Caregivers should reach out for help

Judi Light Hopson Tribune Commentary

Are you taking care of a sick or disabled family member at home?

Do you sometimes wonder how you'll find the strength to continue?

Even if your loved one is only slightly handicapped, you know that it takes an incredible amount of resolve to manage the situation.

In fact, you may feel like abandoning ship.

'My wife has Alzheimer's,' says a man we'll call Jack. 'No training in life prepared me for this. The patience you need is unbelievable.'

Jack continues, 'I hate to admit this, but I fantasize about running away at least once a day.' Caregivers who feel this way are normal, according to author/caregiver Glenn Mollette.

Glenn self-published the book, “Silent Struggler: A Caregiver's Personal Story'' (available through Amazon.com).

Glenn's wife, Karen, began her struggle with multiple sclerosis in the early `90s. The toll on their family is powerfully described in Glenn's book, including the financial problems, emotional devastation and Karen's suicide attempt. Glenn explains that a caregiver's personal needs can easily fall by the wayside. He shares good tips for how caregivers can keep their sanity and meet most personal needs — even the need for sex.

'I know from personal experience,' says Glenn, 'that people in this situation struggle with everything from the embarrassment of having to buy bladder pads to the anxiety of dealing with a care receiver's wild mood swings.'

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Despite problems such as these, any caregiver knows that quitting isn't an option.

You must keep going.

These suggestions are important to remember:

• You need a large system of support. Relentlessly track down every resource in your community.

Contact social workers, churches, adult day-care centers, volunteer organizations, home health-care professionals, and centers on health and aging.

Don't stop until you've found names and phone numbers of those who are willing to help in some way.

• Hire small amounts of help.

If possible, pay for help on chores that aren't directly related to caregiving. Any relief helps to balance the workload. For instance, a woman in our community pays her neighbor $20 per trip to do her grocery shopping three times a month. She writes out an efficient list, naming items in the order they can be found in the store.

• Make a list of how others can help. Make the list very detailed, so everyone can pick and choose something they realistically can do.

Write down everything from 'vacuum the house' to 'stay with Dad so I can take a 20minute walk.'

Emphasize to your Good Samaritans, 'Small amounts of help are very welcome.'

• Ask immediate family members to donate money. For example, if your adult children can't carve out sufficient time to help you, ask them, 'Would you be willing to pay for some small services each month?'

Two men we know take turns paying for a cleaning lady for their parents. It takes a huge strain off their father who takes care of their disabled mother.

While small amounts of money are helpful, don't hesitate to let your adult children know your true financial picture. They may be willing to kick in a larger amount if they see how expenses can threaten the loss of your assets.

Adult children may not realize that your cost for medications can total several hundred dollars per month • even exceed $1,000 per month in some cases.

Because of the financial drain, many middle class Americans who are caregivers worry that they'll lose their homes • or even become totally homeless if they live in apartments.

In some cases, younger spouses with a disabled partner or a child may be forced to move back in with their aging parents.

In dealing with your particular case, it pays to gain opinions from informed individuals in your community. Ask for help in figuring out how to deal with it all.

In fact, you may have to sell your home, if it exceeds an allowable amount, so that your loved one can get into a nursing home. This is a big step, but it beats losing your mental health.

'It's far better to give up a house than give up your sanity,' says a retired salesman we know who has been a caregiver for three years.

When his wife moved into a nursing home recently, he recently sold his $200,000 house to move into a $70,000 condo.

'I knew I was crumbling emotionally and financially, so I had to scale back and do what was necessary,' he explains.

'I'm in a nice little one-bedroom condo near the nursing home. I'm not exhausted anymore, and my wife has good care. I saw myself as a caregiver who needed to rest, step back and let the professionals take over my job.'

Judi Hopson is the co- author of a stress management book for paramedics, firefighters and police, ' Burnout To Balance: EMS Stress,' published by Prentice Hall/ Brady Books. Write to her in care of Knight Ridder/ Tribune News Service, 790 National Press Building, Washington DC 20045; please enclose a copy of the column and the name of the newspaper you saw it in.)