‘Naked & Afraid’ couldn’t cut it here

‘Naked & Afraid’ couldn’t cut it here

Mosquitos and chiggers and triple- digit temps

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I’m sure if you have cable TV you have heard of a show called “Naked and Afraid.”

It didn’t take me but one time of seeing naked behinds to know this wasn’t a show I’d like to watch.

My first thought was to let out a laugh thinking how it would be to put a naked person on the river side of the levee and see how long they would last. We could name it “Naked and Nutty in Crittenden County!”

First, if it was daylight when they started, the good ole’ southern sun would burn them to a crisp. I don’t think they are allowed to carry any sunscreen and those body parts that have never seen the sun would be crying out! We complain if our AC gets above 70, and that is not even thinking about the humidity. It’s 110 heat index here today! Girls, you won’t be able to do much with that hair!

Second, if walking barefoot, they would have to watch out for those fire ant mounds. Man, when even one of those guys bites you, you know it. The ultimate torture would be to tie someone down, like we used to see in the old movies, and let the ants have at them. And what about cuckleburrs? Oh yeah, in your hair, on your legs and the soles of your feet. Ugh!

Third, what would they use for cover? I mean on “Survivor” they use cane to make beds and roofs and large leaves to cover their new home. Our person would probably use poison ivy or poison oak.

They would be “broke out” all over that naked body and it would ITCH.

Fourth, what about the bugs? We have mosquitos, chiggers, wasps, flies of all varieties, bees and whatever else is on that side of the levee. Hope they can take their epi-pen.

Fifth, don’t forget about the wildlife! Skunks, rats, coyotes, bob cats, owls, opossums, raccoons, foxes and maybe even a wolf. I have heard of wild dog packs that wreak havoc too. And the snakes. Need I say more? Water moccasins, blue racers, a possible rattlesnake and copperheads. Don’t kill the garter snakes but are you going to take the time to identify them? Didn’t even mention spiders did I?

Sixth, food. What would they do for food? If they know what they are looking for they might find some polk salad to fix.

Remember, boil it once, pour off the liquid then boil it again. Can you build a fire? Did you bring along a pot to cook in? What could you trap to eat?

Maybe a rabbit? There are plenty of deer back there but they have to be killed, skinned and cooked.

Seventh, water. There may be some lakes back there but don’t drink from the Mississippi River! We know what Marion piped all the way to the river don’t we? There aren’t any streams of fresh water or waterfalls back there.

Bathing would be a problem too. The river might make those mosquito bites and chigger bites feel better. Watch out for the sand bars. The river makes those eddies and some of them are under the sand.

Participants would end up in New Orleans if not careful. Ever wonder why no one swims in there?

Sponsors will be needed to make up prize money.

Or maybe donations to the hospital fund would be best for the contestants.

How long they last would be the criteria for the prize money. Maybe it could be paid by the hour they stay cause the days they stay probably wouldn’t be enough.

Well, I won’t be signing up for that game! At least the people on “Alone” get to wear clothes and bring supplies including a knife and a phone to tap out.

Maybe tapping out before starting this game would be a good idea.

An Evening Times Staff Feature