Shopping Spree

Shopping Spree

Okay…

So, folks are cooped up all week and dying to get away.

In my case, I'm looking for a Southern novel to read, and said as much to my wife, as I sat in my recliner this bright Saturday morning.

In turn, she says a couple of pair of pants would be nice, from her place on the couch.

We usually eat out when we shop. One of the places we like is I-Hop.

However, I recalled the two news broadcasts I heard just this week concerning I-Hops in Memphis.

The first involved a beatdown on employees at one of the chain's restaurantsonly the beatdown was done by two other employees ALSO working at IHop at the time.

Then, there was the second incident: A dead guy found in a car in the I-Hop parking lot, ruled a homicide. (I didn't really buy the suggestion earlier from the police that it was suicide. I mean, I've had IHop's food before and it really isn't so bad I would take that particular option … although they did serve me a crepe one time that even a miracle from Mother Theresa couldn't make right.) There's that.

So, when my wife suggested: “Memphis?”

We looked at each other and chorused, “Un-uh.”

Piling into the car, we made our way to Jonesboro instead.

Once in town, we entered one department store. As we entered, however, we both noticed that there was nobody there … I mean, nobody! I began to call out loudly, in order to see if it would echo off the walls and down the aisles.

“Hel-lo? Hel-LO?”

My wife turned to me and bade, “Stop it. You're embarrassing me!”

Still I kept on.

“There must be a viral outbreak in town, or maybe Ebola? Oh, m-a-n, this place is giving me the creeps!”

“Quit. People can hear you.”

“Who can hear me? If there's no bear in these woods to hear, nothing is happening.”

She replies, “So? What are you complaining for anyway? You LIKE it when there are no crowds.”

“Yeah, I know. It's like heaven and I'm the only angel … oh, and you too, Honey. Sorry.”

Suddenly, my Memphis mentality kicked in and it came to me what must be happening.

“Oh, wait a minute. I got it! There must be a robbery going down right now in this store-probably out back,” I hypothesized.

Only, a few seconds later we spotted a clerk at the jewelry counter, and a stray customer calmly passed on one side.

I breathed a sigh of relief and settled down.

You can't blame me for that. I'm used to unruly hordes of shoppers, pushing, shoving, like an ugly mob-blood in their eyes, like a scene from a Frankenstein movie, when they're marching to the castle to burn it to the ground.

Anywho, we shopped and I found a shirt just like I wanted, as the spouse picked up some things.

Next, we went to find a place to eat. It was noon and we expected an outrageous line-like out the door and down the block-just like at every restaurant in Memphis worth going to. You know … where you are so far away from the front of the line that you need a GPS to find your way back?

Only, it wasn't crowded. We went in, got our foodwhich we paid for with a gift certificate we had-no cash changing hands, accept the tip.

It doesn't get any better than that. Unless I could cover the tip with Monopoly money.

So we finished our meal and headed toward the door. Then, we played a game. My wife said, the car – where is it parked? She started to our right. I said, it's over here on the left. And viola … there it was. And if you know how much ribbing that I take for forgetting things, you would understand why I was so happy about guessing right. Then, Round Two.

Next, we spar over where the bookstore is located in town. She says in the mall around the corner. I say at the mall across town.

We go to the mall close by: No bookstore.

And at the one I guessed: Bingo! Two tickets for the front row! Right-o again, for there it was.

Two for Two.

Of course, I can't remember how to get back on the interstate again from our location … but do you think I'm going to tell HER that?

Nah. I'm good.

By Robert L. Hall